One of the interesting things about liking someone is getting to know them better. One of the rewarding things about getting to know someone you like, is realizing the reasons you like them are all valid, but also that there's more to like or empathize with than you'd imagined.
Last night we had another Friday dinner party and our friend 13 was there. It's mostly due to 13's influence that this Friday night tradition has been invented; despite being a relatively new addition, he's somehow brought all of us closer together. He's a compassionate, energetic personality, and as he's alone in a new country, is open to good people and good times.
When I was talking to him last night, he told me something that surprised me: he's always had trouble making friends. Had he told this to anyone other than me, he'd have been met with disbelief and confusion. As a person who is well liked by certain people, but who is otherwise off-putting, I felt I could easily understand what he meant. In seminary school, having spent a lot of time with the same people for years, he was only able to make one friendship. He also missed certain opportunities (I will need to get more details, it wasn't an in depth conversation) to advance due to his lack of ability to woo his friends.
Isn't friendship a form of wooing? Or isn't it? I wonder. Why are people attracted to some people, and not others? In my case, friendship happens when I can like someone and then find out they like me. It's very hard for me to like others who do not like me. So, reciprocity seems to be an ingredient. Reciprocity might be another word for "chemistry". A mutual attraction. Once the attraction is established, the next thing would be growing to like a person more with each interaction, and establishing more contact leads to intimacy, building a foundation of shared experience and good feelings.
I wonder if 13 didn't meet people who were reciprocal, or if something went awry in a later stage...perhaps the other people were attracted to him, but something was missing to build a true rapport/relationship. Since 13 is so easy to be around, and so delightful as well, I find it saddening that he was thwarted so often. I asked him "what's your flaw? It must be TERRIBLE!", and he laughed and said he has many. I responded that the "flaws" of others are often what charms me about them. I didn't tell him then, but actually the flaws highlight the good parts and make them more remarkable, and also...the flaws make another human, and human beings are fascinating to me. Anyway, 13, in coming to our country, had assumed he'd make his friends from church and tried in various ways to help those relationships happen, and was surprised/dismayed to find NOTHING happening, despite his hope and effort. His co-workers also seem to be disinterested in understanding/getting to know him, so when he met our little group of friends, he was quick to jump in and become part of it. He's not a needy or grasping person, merely an open and enthusiastic one, and his attitude was absolutely just what we needed to get closer to everyone. He was the missing ingredient.
I told my friend 5, who will be introduced later, that sometimes it's a matter of "finding your own people". People can be your acquaintances, or "friend-quaintances", but if nothing develops beyond that point, they are really not "your people". I think putting it that way to 5 helped him to realize that the issue isn't HIM, it's that some people just aren't made for you. I think 13's case is the same: he just never found his people, people who are open to what he brings, don't pick at or judge him, and are willing to share silly experiences together that make life so enjoyable.
0 comments:
Post a Comment