the power diary

I didn't axe you, but I want to.

2011-04-28T09:45:00.000-07:00

I have a problem. This problem has been lurking around since Oct 2010, and since I didn't know how to handle it, I've mostly pretended it doesn't exist.

Ordinarily, I am a pretty confrontational person. The more comfortable I am with another person, the more confrontational I become, if the need arises. (It rarely does, most of my relationships are harmonious because I befriend "live and let live" people.) My current problem is with my Grandma. Most people I've bothered to speak to about this are like "she's old: let it go", and fine. Fine fine fine. Thanks for that shining insight. That really doesn't help me to release my negative feelings.

I've been in regular contact with my grandma since I was 18-19, when she was diagnosed with cancer. I got my first cell phone so I could call her all the time and keep her "company". She is one of those relatives of mine who have a title with no actual blood, but I've known her since I was 2-3 (when I lived in Ohio), and spent Summers with her, even after I moved across country at age 6.

Anyway, we've talked about all kinds of stuff. I've been honest with her about everything, and haven't held much of my life off limits. We've always been "close". The last time I had seen her face to face was when I was 25, until 2010 Oct--the trip that fucked everything up.

When I got back from my trip, that's when the problem started. I called her and she told me I am "not the same" in person as on the phone, and wouldn't tell me if that was a bad thing or not. After our conversation, I cried like a big old weeny and then called her back, leaving a teary, garbled and apologetic message. That bitch did not even call me back. She DID talk to my mom, who was acting as a bit of a go-between and according to her my grandma was saying all the same things about me as I was saying about her. The difference is that I attempted to clear the air, and she did not.

I was devastated, truly. I can't say I really feel the same about our relationship all these months later. Her actions and words changed things, mostly my investment and loyalty to anyone who would reject me for growing up and not being 3 any more.

I sent her a Christmas present, it arrived a month late, despite the fact that I sent it well in advance. I've spoken to her a few times since. She's recovering from a surgery, and I know I should be supportive, but I am still angry and hurt. I don't feel the urge to keep in touch anymore, yet I feel guilty because of it. I feel like I am letting my friend down. I guess I can just send a card for Mother's Day and see how it goes from there.

Write it down & let it go,

Me

just because you think you understand, doesn't mean you do.

2011-04-22T06:42:00.000-07:00

Ah, social networking sites. They seem to be socially mandatory these days, and anyone who doesn't partake in their fabulousness is seen as, let's face it, suspect at best. Here are some of the fun things you can experience with, let's say, Facefuck.

Being contacted by people from your past who you either hate or don't give a fuck about; long lost relatives; that guy you met last night at the bar.
Being unfriended randomly because you may have posted something "offensive"
Having someone comment on your status update, making it very clear they do not get what you meant, and if it happens enough from the same person, that they don't get you.
Hours of staring at your own profile, rather than reading those of anyone else.

Facefuck is a breeding ground for misunderstandings. Countless times will you slap your forehead in frustration after receiving a comment on your status update that has nothing to do with what you thought you said.

This happens in face to face conversations all the time. Just because we think we understand the words other people are saying, doesn't mean we do. Unless we understand a person well, we are really just groping in the dark. Groping for truth is a beautiful thing. Caring enough to understand another person is the best gift we can give to them, and since it takes up so much energy, it doesn't happen with many people. That is a good thing. The thing I don't like is when people assume they know what a person means when they hear or read what they said. If you don't understand the person talking, you probably do not at all understand what they are saying. The best thing we can do is always ask why? What do you mean?

Then again, that IS way too much trouble for some random facefuck friend. So a second idea might be: don't comment on anything you don't really "get". Save everyone the aggravation.

Write it down & let it go,

Me.

bodies, brains, unfairety.

2011-04-20T11:14:00.000-07:00

There are many things we don't get to choose. Starting from our first moment of life, we didn't choose our parents. We didn't choose the body we were given, or the gender it came with.We didn't choose the family we were born into. We didn't choose the town we grew up in, or all the assholes who populated it.

When we're children, we believe this will all change when we grow up, but it doesn't. We simply choose from the options we have, many of which we didn't create.

Many people feel frustrated and saddened by this. I am sure there are loads of people who would like to live on another planet; would feel much more at home in a different universe.

The urge to conform allows us to try to make do in a world we didn't create, and a life we didn't choose. We try to become whatever society has decided our gender role is. Each body and each brain has its own set of problems, all invented by someone else. We foist these rules on everyone we meet and are threatened by those who don't conform to our paradigm.

It's shit like this that makes me tired of other people and the human world as a whole. It's a stupid place to be, full of small minded, brainwashed simpletons, of which I am sure I'm one. I never know if what I think is the truth. I think it because my brain told me to. I try to think my thoughts through to their conclusion, to see if I agree with them, but how can I be sure what I think is right, simply because I agree?

Write it down & let it go,

Me.

you're failing to inspire confidence right now

2011-04-12T16:21:00.000-07:00

Something that intrigues me about other people, and having conversations with them, are the things they try to convey about themselves with the words they choose. Sometimes I think language fails to properly explain what a person wants to say. Intent and execution are occasionally at odds. Sometimes this is because what X signifies to one person, signifies something different to another. When a person says "I am a Christian" to me, as if that is supposed to mean something, I am generally secretly thinking a few things. Here they are, in no particular order:

Congratulations on your socially acceptable delusion
Does this mean you're trying to tell me you are "good"?
Is this person mentally sound?
I wonder if this person is going to dump/stab me in the back like so many self proclaimed Christian friends I've had? (5, to date.)

I view religion as mythology and superstition, and deny all occult as utter hogwash. When I hear someone tell me "I am Christian" it doesn't translate well in my brain. I start thinking that perhaps they believe aliens live under their beds, and that the moon is made of cheese. In case I am being vague: it makes me question their sanity.

Human beings love stories. From the time we are born to the time we die, our life is a story, influenced by the stories of others. Books and tv, movie, love affairs, our personal explanations to ourselves about our beliefs and behaviors, are stories. Greek and Roman mythology has often been discredited, yet the Bible and other holy works are not. Mythology is nevertheless interesting and possibly the key to explaining why some people need god/gods to function in a scary, dangerous world. We are hardwired to need and seek information/explanation. We like gods because they explain the inexplicable. They protect us from the big bad. They comfort us when our burden is too great.

But do they really, truly, exist?

I don't think so.

Write it down & let it go,

Me.

assumptions are for twitfucks

2011-04-03T07:50:00.000-07:00

People really fucking annoy me sometimes, but one of the more irritating things people do is assume they know things. People assume because you're pretty, or thin, or tall, or tan, or male, or female, or busty, or bootylicious, or bla bla bla, that your life is easy and that they should hate your for it.

Having been on the receiving end of many assumptions, from a young age I decided not to assume people knew, for instance, how attractive they were. I was picked on constantly for being "ugly" (which was not then and has never been true), and I decided that if I thought someone was pretty, I would just tell them...because maybe no one else ever did. Or smart, or whatever. If I saw something worthy of praise, I just went there. There were people who thought it was phony, or contrived, or I wanted something, but what I wanted was to appreciate the good in others and let them know it was seen and that it mattered.

When we assume things about people, our brains shut off. We don't let any information about the thing we are judging penetrate our brains. This is really lame, and potentially damaging. Not only are we dismissing other people (who likes that? no one), we are dismissing everything they might have to offer us. We are, effectively, shutting them out.

The beautiful coworker with the perfect clothes might be hiding a broken heart, or physical scars under her expensive sweater (or suit, or whatever, just go with me). That charismatic dude who seems to get all the dates and jobs might have suffered a lot of personal losses and setbacks that you can't see under his charm. Assumptions about others are usually based in jealousy or feelings of being threatened, and that needs to be understood and dragged to the light. As recently as a year ago, I dismissed someone as a "humorless bitch" when I met her, and I recognized I was being a twitfuck. I asked myself, "Me, are you threatened by this person" and I said, "maybe." So I gave her a few chances, and she turned out to be hilarious and wonderful. I really like her.

Pushing our insecurities aside and allowing new information (or people) in is the only way to grow. I wish, sincerely and passionately, that people would stop being so dismissive and demeaning of each other. I personally can't afford to cut off potential resources by rejecting other people willy-nilly. They might teach me something about life, myself, or help me in some way. Or maybe I can help them (as most of my relationships seem to be about giving rather than receiving).

Write it down & let it go,

Me.

oh! it all makes sense now.

2011-04-02T07:48:00.000-07:00

I have often felt a bit of guilt and annoyance at myself (in secret moments) for hating my family. Ok, being ambivalent towards my family.

When I was really young, I moved around a lot. I was often shuttled between people and a few lived with us, one of whom was an antagonistic Aunt. She was vicious, and I was 3 or 4, too young to understand why. I think between the constant ins and outs of people who were either given family titles with no blood, and actual blood relatives who were asshats, it was kind of natural I'd become ambivalent towards family. Family wasn't rooted in anything, and wasn't always pleasant.

I feel so much better looking at it this way, it gives a different perspective on why I felt so alien and out of touch from such an early age. I just never "got" certain social relationships, especially within families. The social norms of peer relationships made sense to me. Sometimes I thought my peers viewed the world in retarded ways, but I more or less knew how to function with them.

In many ways, I am still my inner 7 year old, wondering why "grown-ups" say and do the things they do, and I wonder why (particularly) people push this word "love" around. It often annoys me when relatives tell me they love me, especially if they've only met me a few times and haven't seen me in years. I used to do that, too, but I would get negative inner feedback for it ("do I REALLY love ____? Why do I say this?"). I wonder how many people secretly feel as if they are lying when they tell others they love them. That feeling used to plague me.

So, yeah, still moderately ambivalent towards the whole "family" thing. My experience has taught me that nothing in life is permanent, and people who love you today can become the nobodies of tomorrow. I've always accepted and sometimes enjoyed this reality (my personal experience is my "reality"), but in the family sense I've felt disappointment, irritation, sadness, etc. Family just doesn't make me feel good.

Is that the point, though? Is family supposed to make us feel good? Or are they the annoying people who challenge us and defy our expectations? Friends and friendships are generally harmonious and conform to our desires for a shared reality. Family just doesn't do that. I guess that's why I've always rejected family, and always likely will. Luckily for me, I have one family member who I will always love and never feel ambivalent about (Mom) and I think that's all one can really ask for. I've been much luckier than some.

Ending this post with a big psychic hug for those in need of it.

Write it down & let it go,

Me.

time to put on my big girl pants.

2011-03-22T11:36:00.000-07:00

In so many ways, the last few years have been invaluable in growing from within, dealing with and confronting many things that have held me back, or things I just didn't understand about life and me.

Well, last week that all came crashing down as I realized, slowly but surely, that I am still a big wuss and need to get my life together. So, great, I ended an oppressive relationship with a manipulative loser. That was 2007. I started a business, developed a product and learned new skills. That was 2008. I developed a great group of friends, came into my own socially, and learned to stop holding a grudge. That was 2010. There have been many good things that have happened, but I know me; I know I am capable of much more, and what have I been doing?

From what I can tell, I've been whining and making excuses, albeit in a stoic and somewhat covert way. I did some work on certain aspects of my life, but not a lot of work on most of my life. I realize people can only tackle a certain amount of things at a time, so I can give myself a little wiggle room, but I know I've been unproductive.

As I see it, I have two choices: figure out why I haven't been productive and busy, and awesome, or just start figuring out what needs to be done, do it one move at a time, and eventually I may or may not learn the why. As far as I can tell, the why doesn't really matter.

anxiety strikes

2011-03-20T12:48:00.000-07:00

At the rodeo. In a crush of a crowd, a sea of people. Am I going to be able to breathe? Where's the exit? Wow, a whole wall of exits, every step of the way. I can leave. Hm. It says "smoking area", I don't like cigarette smoke, but I can still get air if I need it...am I going to faint? It's kind of hot in here. Wow, this stadium is just surrounded by exits. That is really smart. I am sure people with chronic health problems and walkers appreciate that. I wonder if people usually have strokes or pass out here? Or die? Still, that's pretty smart. Lots of places to run away if needed. "You don't like crowds, huh?" oh crap, I'm caught. How could you tell? "Your face". Oh fuck. Fine, I admit it, but I still sweep through the crowd confidently to my seating area. We are so close and I will be able to escape these weird fire hazards. Great. They forgot the beer, turn around and start walking back into the masses. We were so close to our seats! We dive back into the faceless sea of slow people, who are being slow, and crowded, and ugly, and yucky, and not my friends. Hm. Ok, fine. I know there's air in this stadium, even though it has a roof and it's not fresh air. Plus, that whole wall of exits to my (now) right. I can surely run out there and snort a huge amount of fresh air, if needed. Ok, beers. I will have a water. Let's go to our seats. Bonus, not far from aisle! YAY! Ok, sitting definitely makes it harder to breathe. That hot dog gave me a stomach ache. Is my bra band too tight? Surely I should order a 38, rather than 36, if this is the cause of my shortness of breath. Oh, god, don't faint. Don't think about it. Look, over there. This is fun. It's bright as day in this stadium, and there's mud everywhere. And kids! Riding sheep! Wow, they are awesome. I am not going to make a scene. It will be fine. Why is fire shooting up in the sky? It's getting warmer. KISS is taking the stage. Oh god, breathe. This is embarrassing. I DO NOT want to faint right here and have emt's all up in my grill at a fucking KISS concert. Think about something else...not the heat, the explosions, the music, the singing, the crowd, the lights, the people, the ceiling, my bra band, whether I am breathing enough, I seem to be holding my breath, bitch breathe, look over there. Oh fucking fuck, ok, I will get through this, it's only about one more hour, surely, surely, surely, just relax.

why do you make it so hard for me to like you?

2011-02-05T10:27:00.000-08:00

"I want to like you, Buffy. Why do you make it so hard for me to like you?" Cordelia Chase, BtVS.

One of the interesting things about liking someone is getting to know them better. One of the rewarding things about getting to know someone you like, is realizing the reasons you like them are all valid, but also that there's more to like or empathize with than you'd imagined.

Last night we had another Friday dinner party and our friend 13 was there. It's mostly due to 13's influence that this Friday night tradition has been invented; despite being a relatively new addition, he's somehow brought all of us closer together. He's a compassionate, energetic personality, and as he's alone in a new country, is open to good people and good times.

When I was talking to him last night, he told me something that surprised me: he's always had trouble making friends. Had he told this to anyone other than me, he'd have been met with disbelief and confusion. As a person who is well liked by certain people, but who is otherwise off-putting, I felt I could easily understand what he meant. In seminary school, having spent a lot of time with the same people for years, he was only able to make one friendship. He also missed certain opportunities (I will need to get more details, it wasn't an in depth conversation) to advance due to his lack of ability to woo his friends.

Isn't friendship a form of wooing? Or isn't it? I wonder. Why are people attracted to some people, and not others? In my case, friendship happens when I can like someone and then find out they like me. It's very hard for me to like others who do not like me. So, reciprocity seems to be an ingredient. Reciprocity might be another word for "chemistry". A mutual attraction. Once the attraction is established, the next thing would be growing to like a person more with each interaction, and establishing more contact leads to intimacy, building a foundation of shared experience and good feelings.

I wonder if 13 didn't meet people who were reciprocal, or if something went awry in a later stage...perhaps the other people were attracted to him, but something was missing to build a true rapport/relationship. Since 13 is so easy to be around, and so delightful as well, I find it saddening that he was thwarted so often. I asked him "what's your flaw? It must be TERRIBLE!", and he laughed and said he has many. I responded that the "flaws" of others are often what charms me about them. I didn't tell him then, but actually the flaws highlight the good parts and make them more remarkable, and also...the flaws make another human, and human beings are fascinating to me. Anyway, 13, in coming to our country, had assumed he'd make his friends from church and tried in various ways to help those relationships happen, and was surprised/dismayed to find NOTHING happening, despite his hope and effort. His co-workers also seem to be disinterested in understanding/getting to know him, so when he met our little group of friends, he was quick to jump in and become part of it. He's not a needy or grasping person, merely an open and enthusiastic one, and his attitude was absolutely just what we needed to get closer to everyone. He was the missing ingredient.

I told my friend 5, who will be introduced later, that sometimes it's a matter of "finding your own people". People can be your acquaintances, or "friend-quaintances", but if nothing develops beyond that point, they are really not "your people". I think putting it that way to 5 helped him to realize that the issue isn't HIM, it's that some people just aren't made for you. I think 13's case is the same: he just never found his people, people who are open to what he brings, don't pick at or judge him, and are willing to share silly experiences together that make life so enjoyable.